It’s not just me being told by my best friends that I am not attentive enough, present enough, aware enough. I have a suspicion everyone we know is experiencing this same kind of exhausting pain. In six months, three of my very best friends (I am blessed with five) have told me that I am not showing up enough for them, early enough, deep enough, considerately enough, often enough. Each time I have received the Come to Jesus Talk, I have been floored for, I, too, am in the depths of my own despair. I thought I made it perfectly clear that I am off-kilter, off my game, out of my zone, and stretched way beyond my limit. I thought by sharing exactly what I have been afraid to share All This Time (I am failing, I am free falling, I am an anxious train wreck of insecurity and sadness) that my beloveds would recognize and agree that I am NOT Myself.

What I have received instead is the crystal clear knowing that NO ONE is HERSELF right now. We are not the only ones in pure agony. I am deeply sorry for anyone to ever dip their toes in the sadness, uncertainty, and levels of depression that I fight on a daily basis. Instead of being hurt or surprised by my dearests who have come forward bravely, I feel intense pride in their ability to own their own states of fear, inadequacy, loneliness, and rejection. Never, ever, would I want to hurt anyone. Amazingly, there are gifts here for me. I receive my beloveds right here, right where they are. I am honored with their tears; their confessions open hidden doors to their unseen steadiness masked by trembling ground. I greet them each openly, honestly, without reservation, guilt, confrontation, or self-defense.

They are right, I have been all of those unsavory things: absent, insensitive, thoughtless. I have also been desperate, wounded, resigned, incapacitated, and paralyzed while shedding an ocean of tears.

It’s okay to be not okay. We will get through this. Extremes don’t last. I love you.